i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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