I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
