did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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