I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
COCAINE IS GR8
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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