420 ftw
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
