I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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