Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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