I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
