I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
