If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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