i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize