I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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