meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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