My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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