he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
