I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
