Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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