He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
