it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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