I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
