The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize