You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
