The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
