I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm always down for nudity.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
