Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
