One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm just crazy horny about you
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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