I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
