We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize