Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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