i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize