Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize