Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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