So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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