new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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