i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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