We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
