Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
