I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
