I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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