Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
