Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
