Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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