can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
