hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
