I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I yelled at your uterus for you.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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