Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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