Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
