my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize