I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
