I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
she peed on how many people?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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