He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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