The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
