Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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