If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
