I'm going to jail i love you
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
