Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
