You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
