I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
