where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
