Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
