I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
